I have been scared of exploring the dark side of my mind. For a long time I have brushed it away, hidden it, and put on a facade of no darkness within. Of course it was there all the time, and sometimes it grew, becoming a brooding presence. I would let the dark thoughts out at times when the rest of my mood was dark. I would let those fantasies grow until the touch of my fingers was almost inconsequential and the thoughts themselves were the catalyst for deep, body wracking orgasms. In the afterglow, as my body calmed, I would try to ignore the strength of those thoughts for fear of what they might mean about me.
My journey from there to here has been long. I had to overcome the conviction that my desire to be hurt and used was wrong. I had to become confident and comfortable with myself; explore myself within and accept all parts of me. I had to learn to stop being judgemental with myself.
Now, I am not only able to explore those dark thoughts, I am encouraged to do so by my man. I adore the way that he knows how my mind works (as much as anyone does) and that he plants dark seeds within. I crave the turmoil of trying to ignore the building need in me whilst becoming desperately wanton in my mind. I love the way that my man holds my attention and then treats me to an intense and consuming mind-fuck. Without the dark parts of my mind, my life would lack that delight. I am blessed that as I get to explore my limits in play, I can explore those parts of my mind too. The two aspects enrich each part of me.
My journey continues and I am learning to share those dark thoughts. I thank him for pulling me to do that too. He no longer allows me a hiding place for those dark thoughts and my life is much richer for that. My man has pushed me to own all of myself and without that, how could I truly give all of myself to him?
that is wonderful. I am glad you have found someone who not only accepts but encourages you in your journey.
It is wonderful to have someone who shares the dark thoughts with you, who allows them to be there, who uses them to enrich you.
Rebel xox
What a wonderful post and great journey.
I´m happy to hear that you have a man who helps you find yourself and makes you see that your dark thoughts are good
Powerful stuff. I think overall it is better to channel darker impulses, make them work for you not against you, which is what usually happens if you simply try to suppress them.