HappyComeLucky

One of the things that I have found very positive and empowering is sharing pictures of me. I have been very lucky and to date, I have had very positive feedback. I do really enjoy the feedback, but maybe bizarrely, the feedback isn’t the most important part of it for me. The feedback has definitely kept my momentum going, encouraged me in my posts and helped me to become braver over time. I think that without feedback, I would probably have drifted in my postings. So, the feedback is very important to me, but it isn’t the reason that I post pictures.

I posted pictures initially because they forced me to look at myself and to stop a weird kind of invisibility that I had developed. I don’t like the phrase, ‘let herself go’, but I think that other people might have used it about me. I had gained weight through three pregnancies which my underactive thyroid had decided to make as hard as possible to lose. That had combined with it being before many companies made large cup size pretty bras all had an effect. If my undies were scarily utilitarian and industrial, the rest of me was practical. Cargo pants were a staple item of clothing. It was a very safe place to be. I was valued by people for my reliability and my practicality – both are things that are very important to me but they were all that was shown to the world. The rest of me had been packed away for archiving. When you have things in storage, you don’t spend time checking them and noticing them. It was the same for me. Any idea that I could present as a sexual woman was tucked away and thoroughly neglected. Looking back, I fooled myself into not seeing what was happening for a very long time because I always had an active sex life. I conflated having sex with being sexual. They aren’t the same.

You may have guessed that something changed and not just that sexy undies in large cup sizes became available. I recognised how much I had lost when I realised that I could see so much beauty and confidence in the pictures of others, but could not find any expression of that in me. It took a long time and a lot of angst to post the first few images. I still remember the feelings as I tried to get images that I liked and the surprise when some of them were OK. I look back at those pictures now and I smile. They weren’t the most amazing pictures in any way, but they were me and they were definitely showing a sexual woman.

When I posted those pictures on a site, I did it for me. I hadn’t thought about how others might respond to them. I did it so that I couldn’t put myself back in storage. I felt the same fear, determination and lurch in my stomach when I posted them as I had taking the first steps over the edge of a cliff for a 50 metre abseil.

I honestly stared at my computer in disbelief when I got positive comments. I hadn’t thought as far as how that would feel and how I would respond. I was so incredulous. My instant reaction was to brush them away with the thought that they are just being polite. I stopped myself from doing that because it is incredibly disrespectful to anyone to devalue their comments and compliments like that. Accepting compliments can be hard. The first step is to accept that it is a genuine one and that the person giving it does so with a truthful intent. After that, you have to start really listening to them and believing that even if you don’t see yourself the same way, this is a truthful representation of how you have come across to the other person.

A lot has changed about me since those first pictures. My body has changed, not just in weight but also in my relationship with it. I know that I am still fat but fat and sexual are not mutually exclusive. There are still some pictures that scare me and I am still working towards being able to share those angles. There is still a strong temptation to point out that good pictures are because of the lucky, flattering angle, the bits that are hidden or the use of props. One thing hasn’t changed at all though. My primary reason for posting pictures is because it forces me to look at and really see me. The comments and feedback help me to see more of me and plant me firmly in the world instead of in storage. I am an exhibitionist. I thrive on being exposed but I still think it has more to do with being so very visible and not hidden as it is to do with being watched.

I am determined to continue to push my own boundaries with my experience of photos. I have a plan for a project where I will give total control to another person to take the picture of me that they want to take. I know that this will be a challenge for me and I am going to have to be very determined not to ask them to avoid certain parts of me. I want to see myself through the eyes of others. I want to be challenged to see more of me. I am hoping that I can persuade people to bite the bullet, give me some of their time and click the button for this. Whatever happens with that, I am still going to be sharing images of me here on this blog. Honey is definitely not going back into storage!