Am I masochistic submissive, or am I a submissive masochist? Maybe I am a masochist and a submissive. I have had this tumbling around in my head for a while and then the lovely Malin asked me the following question:
What is the interrelationship between masochism and submission for you? Are they equally resonant, or is masochism a sort of door into submission insofar as it goes?
First, I want to thank Malin for her excellent question. Of course my answer is going to be a very personal one and is by no means meant to define the interrelationship for anyone else.
I am a submissive. I have thought about that label from many different angles over time. I am not what some people would recognise as instantly submissive. I am loud and very cheeky. In many ways, my anarchic and mischievous is more easily recognised as a switch mind. I think of amusing ways to pervert objects and situations. My man is fortunately amused by my ideas, threats and promises that often tumble past my sensible filter and make it out of my mouth. My creativity and inspirational mischief for naughty fun takes a switch or domme outlook. These ideas are energising and fun. They bubble through me when my energy and mood is high.
So, if I have that sort of mind, why do I say that I am submissive? My heart and soul are submissive. My soul is nurtured by being owned, by the absolute trust and the absolute certainty of my safety even at my most vulnerable. It is hard to express the absolute soul filling calm that fills me when I lie on the floor with his feet on me. When the constant and shifting demands of the world start to make me feel lost and at risk of drowning, the simple action of lying beneath his feet, feeling his weight pressing down on me totally grounds me and brings me back to safety. This part of me is nothing to do with my sexuality, needing to be there, in my place, is not arousing. It can be developed into something that leads onto that but it isn’t sexual in itself.
Another aspect of submission that work for me is completing tasks. Tasks engage me in more than one way. First, I love to please. Second, if something is a task, I will prioritise it in a way that I won’t just for myself. The third is linked to our long distance relationship. Being given and carrying out orders makes me feel his control and ownership in my daily life while we are apart.
If I do think more about the sexual side of submission, it is the vulnerability that works for me. It is, of course made complex by the fact that to revel in the vulnerability, I need to feel that I am safe and that I trust him whilst at the same time feeling that excitement from feeling at the edge and the tingle of fear. Writing this makes me wonder whether that is submission or whether that tingle of fear is an aspect of my masochism.
One element that has no masochism involved, is my strong fetish for adoring, worshipping and satisfying my partner. It is not a cliche to say that whoever I am with, their pleasure is more important to me than my own. I am very turned on when used for someone’s pleasure. I am fortunate that I am aroused instantly by the prospect and will either drop to my knees, bend over or assume any position demanded by my partner. It slightly bugs me as a strong, independent, sexual woman that I get turned on so much by being used as a sex toy, but as it is a fact of me, that is part of who I am.
I have been aware of and have explored my submissive side for much longer than I have explored my masochism. It is only in recent years that I have been with the right relationships to discover this part of me. Learning how masochism works for me has been quite a journey. The most challenging element has been to relax enough to trust my body and my responses. I have had to learn how to get past thinking about the pain during a scene. In the early days, the pain was so exciting but I would be constantly analysing and trying to work out how much more I would be able to take, I was scared of getting it wrong, so I would stop before I needed to. At that time, I also had an internal struggle because I didn’t really identify as a masochist. That led me through some inner turmoil as to what to explore. It felt as though I wasn’t being submissive enough as my focus is very different in play involving pain than it is in play involving worshipping him.
Luckily for me, my man recognises very well what happens for me and to me. He is the one that made me accept that I am a pain slut and that being a pain slut is more than just ok, it is a good thing. He is the one that has found lots of different ways to give me that pain and how to build it to either total floating subspace or to pain orgasms. He has also delighted in finding the things that he calls my trigger switches or buttons – the parts that the right sudden spank, pinch, twist or bite to forces an immediate orgasm. This gives him particular joy as it is followed by me desperately apologising for coming without his permission – an important facet of our Master/sub dynamic.
I am a masochist. My deepest fantasies involve cruel and brutal amounts of pain. I crave the buzz, the heat and the surge of endorphins that being hurt when aroused brings me. I hunger for the all encompassing rush of energy that goes with paingasms and also long for the deep satisfying and sometimes euphoric calm that comes from a long spanking, flogging or caning.
The submissive and masochistic sides of me are not totally interlinked. They work for me in different ways. My masochism feels at odds with deep submission to me because it is so focussed on my pleasure and my sexual appetite. When playing with pain, I am being given pleasure instead of me being the one to either give or to be used. Of course, my man only has to tell me it is a punishment to totally change my mindset and then being spanked or caned is very submissive. I think that although they are not woven together inextricably, they are compatible with each other. Each one does benefit from the other and in play scenarios, each one can add to the other. The interrelationship between them comes from the fundamental foundation of trust without which, I would not be able to give myself over to either.
Thank you so much for taking the time to answer my question, Honey. You’re answer is beautiful.
I love that you have a switchy, mischievous, playfulness and that you respect these aspects of your personality, while embracing your submissiveness and the nourishment it gives you. I feel like there’s a common but very false perception that subs (and dom/mes) should be a certain way, and that the role of submissive or dominant should define all aspects of the personality, which is both limiting and often unhealthy. The peace and joy you find in submission is beautiful and I love that it co-exists with cheekiness and anarchy! It’s also wonderful that your man partners you so well as a dominant. It’s not easy to find a match like that and it sounds like you both found it.
The reason it occurred to me to ask is because everyone I’ve ever met who has identified as a submissive or a masochist (or a submissive masochist) has had an intensely individual relationship with how those alignments play out (or don’t play out) in their lives. As a dominant sort, I feel an inherent respect for and curiosity about that. Thank you so much for sharing this. I know I said this before, but it’s such a privilege to know you, and your answer has allowed me to know you that much better. Xxxxx
Thank you, Malin. Writing the post was a very good thing to do. Putting it in writing brought clarity and light to thoughts that had been tumbling around. It was interesting for me to really reflect on the interrelationship of those different aspects of me. One of the things that can complicate my desires is that these aspects also are just one part of me. I am also very sexual and that is another area that compliments but doesn’t always mesh with these parts.
Xxxxx