HappyComeLucky

When I was a child, I was one of those children who received few compliments. Fearless was one that was given to me, except it was said with a tone of voice that changed it to, “What is she up to now?” I was trustworthy and reliable. My friends were pretty. I was deemed too inelegant to be enrolled in ballet. My friends did ballet, tap and stage (I never actually found out what that was). I rarely looked in the mirror to see who I was and I was already internalising messages about my looks and my physicality.

We moved hundreds of miles just after I entered pubity. I joined in with new groups – that’s what fearless people do. The girls were a tight knit group who had known each other for ever and always talked about their shared history. The boys were easy to for in with because all I had to do was join in their games. I became absolutely brilliant at the various physically rough versions of games that we played, especially British Bulldog.

All the time my body kept changing and my breasts kept growing.

I started getting comments. Not from the boys, but from the girls. Comments about my breasts being too big for me. Comments about how I shouldn’t go swimming and lark around with the boys because they paid far too much attention to my breasts. I was accused by some of the girls of only having the boys as friends because I wasn’t pretty enough. I shrugged, told them it was ridiculous and carried on. I didn’t realise at the time that my subconscious was taking all of this and was packing it all away in a keepsake box in my mind.

I wore clothes that were gorgeous and sexy. I wore them because I loved those clothes. Bizarrely, I didn’t wear them to make myself look good – I wore them because they looked good. There was a disconnect in my mind.

I got married early to a man who loved me and who I loved. Compliments weren’t part of our dialogue. I still don’t know whether he ever thought me pretty or beautiful. Being either of those things didn’t cross my mind.

Life, business, pregnancies etc, etc all took their part in my weight creeping up. When I noticed, I found it hard to do anything about it. I still had a disconnect between myself and my appearance. In many ways, being overweight felt right in a very wrong way. It felt like the way I deserved to be because I wasn’t pretty enough to need a slim and lovely body.

I have changed and developed so much over the last six years. First, I learnt to recognise the positive indirect compliments people give. Then I learnt not to reply to compliments with an immediate deflecting phrase. Or at least, I learnt not to say it out loud. I learnt the positive effect of thanking people for compliments and how that helps both myself and them.

Taking pictures and sharing them has been an important part of seeing the good in my form. I still am surprised when a lucky picture takes my breath away with how it looks. I still struggle to see those pictures as my current reality rather than a hint of what I could be.

My man spills compliments over me and I know they are true. I squash the whisper in my head that says that if course he does, he’s biased. I hate that voice because it does my man such a disservice. He gives truthful, honest compliments and deep inside me, I still want to explain them away. I need to apologise a thousand times to him.

This post has been pretty grim so far. I started writing a positive celebration post. I know. There isn’t any hint of it so far. I needed to write all of that so that it makes sense in the context of me. I hope you are ready…

I got a compliment that blew me away and that my heart, soul and mind grabbed hold of, celebrated and totally accepted. I love the woman who gave me the compliment. I trust her in a million ways, not least of which is that I know that she has absolute integrity and only gives compliments that she truly believes. She described my curves as irresistible and goddess-y!

I know that I promote a lot of body positivity but I also am a realist about the difference between knowing things and truly feeling them. That compliment reached me in a who knew way and now that I know how it really feels to believe it, I am determined to keep that map of that emotion and explore it more. I think that, for the first time in my life, I truly believe that I am gorgeous instead of I could be gorgeous!

Now I can’t wait to hug that woman so passionately. She has given me an amazing and priceless gift and I am not sure I can express my gratitude enough for that.