Numbers have a lot of significance in the way that we relate to the world and in how we relate to each other. We are often asked the numbers of our age and height. It helps to give us an extra level of context.
I like numbers and what they can tell us. I suspect that my love of numbers and comparing numbers goes back to my study of statistics as a teen. I like the clarity that can be found in numbers and analysing data is certainly useful in my present job.
The clarity of numbers when used appropriately gives them power. As long as the scale is clear and constant, a 9 is a 9. This is both wonderful and terrible.
Currently there are numbers that I really like. Numbers that keep track and numbers that are evidence of my efforts. I have indulged in buying a Fitbit. The stats of my movement, heart rate and calories fascinates, motivates and reassures me. The record of my activity is helping to keep my focus and be analytical about what I am doing. It stops me from conflating emotional and physical tiredness at the end of a busy day. It also motivates me to plan my day around the opportunities to walk instead of using transport.
There is still a very important set of numbers that are beyond my control. The equation isn’t working as it should. Exercise + diet should equate to an impact on weight. It’s all very well to talk about all the other elements of health and fitness but psychologically and physiologically, weight does matter to me. I need to lose weight. I need to lose a very significant amount of weight, but for now, I need the equation to work.
I need to know that my actions can have an impact. I need to see the measurable data of the consequences of my efforts. It isn’t just disappointing that the scales readout isn’t changing, it is a far deeper problem for me.
I have only realised this week why it is so much more than disappointing that I am not losing weight. When an action that you take has a consequence, you have the power to cause that consequence. When an action doesn’t cause the needed consequence, your power is gone. Every failure adds evidence of my powerlessness and pushes me further to disconnect from hope and from feeling that my body is truly a part of me. Normally, failures are balanced with successes and, where that happens, there is a reconnection with power that mitigates any loss of power.
For me, through a combination of health, including thyroid problems and an incredibly stubborn body, I am not losing weight despite the consistent activity and controlled eating. I need to see some evidence of impact. I need to see it, not just for encouragement, but because, my inability to effect the numbers on the scales is making me feel utterly powerless and that triggers the psychological response of when I was physically powerless and makes me utterly shutdown and hide.
I can so relate to this. I wear my fitbit every day, I watch what I eat, sometimes I even count the calories for a week… and still I am not losing any weight. This makes me feel down at times, and even though I say that I have accepted myself the way I am, I still wish I could lose weight and look different and feel more confident about myself. This past week my dietitian enforced the negative feelings in me and I am still battling to get rid of those. I doubt myself. If I look in the mirror, I see a fat person and not the sexy person my husband tells me I am. Last week I was sexy, this week I am fat. In my own eyes. My own mind. I hate this downward spiral and what I hate more is that someone who should’ve helped me, caused this new downward spiral. Outwardly I’m smiling and telling everyone I’m okay…
I hope that for both you and me there will be a reward for our efforts, because damn, we deserve it!
Rebel xox
I am so cross that those things were said to you. They are so damaging. Keep listening to your husband and keep doing what you know is right. I know you are a sexy, gorgeous woman and I hope you get some positives to reverse your spiral soon. Xxx
Powerful wonderful post.
I feel you.
I’ve reworded this comment so many times.
But the words -not enough – I want to come and squeeze my arms around you and feel your actual power x x x you’re awesome. You are in control.
Thank you so much. Your squeeze is very welcome. Xxx
YES! I’ve been walking on my treadmill for a year (building up from a little to over one mile a day) yet my weight hasn’t really budged. My only incentive (and it’s really stupid) is I put a star on the calendar each day I walk. I sort of have to have a star on each day. That’s my (very stupid) incentive. But I will admit my calves look great – but no one sees them since I don’t wear skirts/dresses anymore. Good luck to all of us – the knowledge that we ARE doing something healthy will/must sustain us!!
We are doing something. The stars are not silly. I make sure I have exercise recorded every day too. It might be on an app instead of the wall, but it is the same. Keep going!
i adore my fitbit app, and am OBSESSED with counting steps!!! but i know what you mean about needing to see. the thing is Honey, you don’t always see change right away. you ARE making an impact, and you know you are! don’t obsess about numbers…
Thank you, gorgeous!
I missed this when you originally posted but your tweets from earlier today led me here. I just wanted to encourage you. I have a different struggle in that thinking about or focusing on the scale totally derails me. I’ve slowly been trying to create healthier habits. I’m so proud of you for doing so and for finding what works for you, even if the number on the scale isn’t moving yet. All the good luck and encouragement to you on your journey. I think you are sexy and gorgeous in all your Sinful Sunday photos and I know I’m not alone in that. xoxo
Thank you so much, Maria.