The world is full of advice and opinions and they can either be found by asking, searching, or sometimes be having them thrust at you uninvited. Being healthy, exercising and managing weight are no exceptions to this. There are endless articles, advice posts, books and apps to help us all on our way. That’s great. Or, at least, it can be. But what happens when it doesn’t work.
Right now, I am managing my food intake and exercising a lot. I stick to between 1100-1400 calories per day and I am walking between 5 and 7 miles per day. Everything says that I should be losing weight. The app that I use tells me every fucking day what they predict for my weight in five weeks time. Guess what? I am the special snowflake that fucks up their predictions. In the last two weeks of extremely careful recording and taking every opportunity to do more, I have lost nothing. Over the last month of trying, I have lost nothing. Over the last six months of good weeks and OK weeks and only two weeks of careless eating, I have lost a total of two pounds.
Guess what? I am angry. I am frustrated and when I let my stubbornness subside I am self-destructive with self-loathing and hatred for being so pathetically useless that I can’t make this work. These might not be my most rational thoughts but they are my feelings and as such, they are as valid as when I feel kind and loving towards myself.
I have learnt that it isn’t safe to talk openly about this because of the reactions of others. “Are you sure you are remembering everything you eat?” “Maybe you don’t walk as far or as often as you think.” “Well, it must be that your fat is turning to muscle. Your clothes will be getting loose as you lose inches.” “Are you sure?” “Have you thought of…”
I know people mean well but all I hear is that they do not believe me, they think I am stupid, they think I am lying or something similar. I already have to face the demon of the scales and the inescapable grip that they have on me. I do not have enough tolerance left to smile politely while someone tells me that I must have it wrong and that it shouldn’t matter anyway. When it comes to trying to manage my weight to improve my physical well-being, I need all my reserves to keep myself going and sometimes, just sometimes, I really need to scream.
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This resonates with me so much. I’ve hit a weight that is unchanging! I do the right things and yes some of flab has turned to muscle but I’ve given up. I’ve come to believe we have our pre-determined weight, we are what we are even if we aren’t happy with it!
I so completely feel your frustration. I admire you so much for sticking to your eating and walking plan in spite of the scale. I have worked so hard to be OK with my weight, that I am afraid of trying to lose it, worried that I would find myself in your same frustrating position. I know that’s not healthy for me (as my high blood pressure can attest) and I know it’s a hurdle I’m avoiding for fear of failure. What I’m trying to say is it takes guts and heart and bravery to embark on a weight loss project and when it’s not working the way it should, it’s got to be intensely frustrating. (Also, all the helpful”advice” from others is the worst!) I admire you so much, for tackling this and for so many other things, Honey.
I feel your frustration, Honey, and wish I could take it away. But, I know from personal experience that you have to work through it, because no amount of well-meant advice will be able to help you. Only you can do it. I have come through a rough time and am still on shaky ground, but somewhere inside me I have found the strength that I have been lacking for years. I hope you find it too and I am always here for you, whether you want to share or just need a hug. You are a strong and beautiful woman!
Rebel xox
I’d wanted to comment on this yesterday but I had to gather myself a bit to do it. I understand that frustration – I often feel if as regards my depression when I do everything right (including medication) but my baseline state remains the same. Those demons are loud and hurtful, and sometimes when they get too loud, the only thing to do *is* to scream and assert yourself against them if only to get that anger out of our body for awhile. You are stronger than they are, and you are beautiful. That’s a foundational truth and it’s fundamental to how I see you and demons and scales and understandable frustration do nothing to tarnish that. Xxx