HappyComeLucky

Almost hidden in her coat, Ruth paused at the door, listening before stepping out and pulling it firmly shut behind her. Eyes downcast, she hurried towards the exit. Everything about her was huddled as small as possible. Her gaze only extending to her next step, her breath the minimum needed to keep alive. Everything was restrained as if holding back kept this reality from being true.

It didn’t change as she got outside. Ruth didn’t look back, nor did she look forwards as she lengthened the distance between herself and the hostel. Ruth scuttled, choosing her path to avoid oncomers. She pulled up short as people tumbled, laughing out of a shop doorway. Putting her head down, Ruth scurried round the corner away from the crowds and towards the refuge of her coffee shop of choice.

Ruth kept everything pulled in as she gave her order and then headed over to the table in the far corner. It was always that table. That table was almost out of sight and yet, once there she could see everyone in the coffee shop and watch life passing outside the window.

Once seated, Ruth slowly unfurled. Her gaze lifted first, as her head rose from the huddle of her coat. She stretched her back straight before almost ceremoniously unzipping her coat. Once that was shucked off her shoulders and onto the back of the chair, Ruth slightly closed her eyes as she filled her lungs with a deep restoring breath.On the third breath, she opened her eyes and pulled the steaming mug of coffee close, filling her senses with the deep complex nutty aroma and restorative warmth.

Ruth had always liked a good coffee. In fact she had always taken it for granted. Now, that mug of coffee symbolised almost too much. Now that coffee was the last thread to who she was. Everything else had crumbled away. Everything that she would have listed to describe who she was had gone. The relationship she had believed was the one. The house that they had made into their home. The job that had made her feel respected. The social circle who she had thought were friends. Her heart was still frozen by the speed that it had all tumbled away. Now, this mug of coffee was the moment of each day where she let her heart beat and her soul breathe before she had to pull herself back into non-existence and return to the hostel.

As the coffee warmed Ruth, her sphere of awareness grew. She looked across at the counter. Thick dark liquid poured into carefully positioned cups. She listened to the whirr of the bean grinder, the tap, tap of the used grounds being cleared and the whoosh of the steam as it hit the milk. The hands that operated the machine had a rhythm of their own. The flick of his wrist, the quick twist of the controls, the agility with which he brought it all together to hand over to another customer. His name badge said James, but she was sure that Jim fitted him better. Ruth was spell bound. His every movement was efficient and beautiful. The way he played the espresso machine, the flourish as he added the foamed milk, the way he span on the ball of his foot as he retrieved the next carton of milk from the fridge.

On this day, Jim’s movements seemed even more poetic than normal. As he reached for the top shelf, Ruth suddenly felt as though she was watching more than someone at work. For the first time since all this mess started, she realised that she was thinking about possibilities.

Ruth stared down into her coffee caressing the cup. She could feel her temperature rising as she imagined her hands sliding up Jim’s torso instead. She closed her eyes and let her mind explore. Circling her thumbs, she felt the warm softness of his chest hair as she pressed against him, closing in for a kiss. Her hand snaked around his neck, pulling him closer, pulling him until that first touch of heat as their lips touched. She shifted in her chair, her hips tilting forwards, reaching for that contact. As she breathed in the moment, she opened her eyes, hoping to catch another glimpse of those deft hands at work.

He was no longer behind the counter. He was making his way between the tables, plate in his hand and his eyes fixed on her.

As Jim approached, he had an open smile and a sparkle in his eye. Ruth shrank down lower, trying to hide the heat from her cheeks. She twisted in the seat, searching for the invisibility that she had taken as hers over the last two months. It wasn’t there anymore. The heat, the flush and the lurch in her stomach made her impossible not to see. Releasing the cup, Ruth spread her hands on the table, using it to find her balance as he closed the last two paces separating them.

“I hope you don’t mind but I’ve chosen you as the customer of the day. You are the lucky winner of a free pastry.”

Sure that he must be able to see her trembling as her heart raced so fast. Ruth gulped, and forced out a word.

“Err? Erm, ok?”

He leaned in closer, looked around conspiratorially and whispered,

“I might have made that up as an excuse to talk to you. May I sit down?”

The scrape of the chair as Jim settled across the table from Ruth filled the silence. Pulling in both air, energy and strength in one deep long breath, Ruth smiled and said,

“Gosh! Erm. It must be my lucky day. I thought I might get the award for customer who stays the longest over just one cup of coffee. I think I prefer your version.”

“You come in here every day, at the same time, sit at the same table, and have the same drink. I could have the cup ready and just hand it straight to you as you walk through the door.” His brow furrowed slightly, “ I don’t though. I keep hoping that each day is the one where you look at me while you give your order.”

She touched her face trying to hide the heat that was scorching her cheeks. Ruth shook away the temptation to explain and instead went on

“Oh? Now I feel bad for not noticing.” She looked up plaintively through her lashes and meekly murmured, “Sorry.”

“Hey! No apology needed. I am just glad that I am talking to you now. Unless… you’d prefer me to leave you alone…?”

Jim raised one eyebrow while he asked. Ruth looked at his hopeful expression and then deep into his eyes, searching for any hint of mockery. She saw only openness and honesty. Ruth caught her breath for a second, chewed at her lip before quietly saying,

“No, no. I think I like this. Stay unless you have other things you should be doing.”

Leaning back on the chair and turning, Jim made a big show of looking around the shop at the empty tables.

“My first responsibility is to look after my customers, and right now, you are the only one.”

Ruth fiddled with the jar of sugar cubes, turned the handle on her cup and straightened the spoon before she glanced upwards at Jim’s face again. He was still watching.

“I’ve not tried the pastries in here before. I just tend to watch people while I have my coffee.”

Jim stretched his hand towards the plate,

“The pastry isn’t compulsory if you don’t want it?”

“No. No, it isn’t that. It’s just… I meant… I meant that this is a lovely place to spend time. It feels good just being in here.”

Now Jim glowed with a contentment which turned into a sparkle of mischief in his eye.

“I’m glad about that. After all, as my favourite customer, I need you to keep coming in. If you don’t, I might be too heartbroken to work the coffee machine and then all the customers will suffer.”

Ruth shook her head slightly as a slight chuckle made her shoulders tremble. Making a show of a fake sigh, she said,

“Oh well now. That would never do. I can’t be the cause of all that suffering. I will have to be back and as your favourite customer, I will have to make a very thorough… check on, um, on what’s on offer each day.”

“And I will have to keep on my toes making sure that you are always a very welcomed and satisfied customer.”

Ruth trailed her finger down her neck, moistened her lips with her tongue and then murmured,

“Oh I think you could definitely keep me satisfied.”

Ruth almost purred with delight at Jim’s widening eyes, hoping and knowing that this was no longer a conversation about coffee.

During an absolutely timeless five minutes, they moved from talking, to talking with their hands reaching across the table and touching and then onto entwining their fingers.

The door opened, its bell bursting their little bubble of intimacy. Chuckling, they caught each other rolling their eyes in matching responses. Jim winked and blew a kiss as he turned away from the table.

Moving back to the counter, Jim was busy once again with the next customer’s order. Ruth stared at the table, aware of Jim’s every move at the edge of her vision. She was so busy trying to absorb what happened that she hardly tasted the pastry. People came and went from the other tables, the noise level rose and fell while Ruth tried to square who she had become over the last two months with what she felt now. Her existence had become just that, the merest existence that just barely touched the world around her. Her invisibility was her way to survive. But now, she wasn’t invisible. Jim had seen her, and even more than that, she had, for the first time in ages, seen herself. Invisible Ruth didn’t think or hope, but Jim-inspired-Ruth wanted, needed and imagined again.

Ruth stood, and pulled her coat tight around her. The zip came up, holding it closed, ready to hide her, but today it didn’t work. For two hellish months, this coat had helped her disappear. Today, though she was still small and swamped by its comforting weight, Ruth stood a little taller. As she walked out of the door, she looked back at Jim, and then looked straight ahead to see where she was going.

 

I first shared this story on Tamsin’s advent calendar last year. I am posting it here because I am proud if it and very fond of the characters in it. This is the time of year that I am even more aware of those who are struggling. I will be donating to food banks this year. I’d love it if you did too.

 

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