HappyComeLucky

Bikini at the ready!

I have a bikini. As of yesterday, I have two bikinis. Mind you, I haven’t tried the new one on yet. The whole bikini body thing is such a complicated thing for me.

I bought a bikini a few years ago after I had lost a chunk of weight and believed I could get away with wearing one. That phrase, “get away with wearing one,” is important but I will get to that later.

I don’t go on (haven’t been on) beach holidays so a bikini is a very neglected item at the best of times. In the last four years, I have spent one day sat on a beach – and yes, I wore the bikini.

This year, I am going on a ‘proper holiday’ that will involve some time on a beach. As a result, I had to think about what to wear.

My knee jerk response was a swimming costume. I thought about the utilitarian one that I own and how I look in that – and how I feel in it. I thought about the new swimsuit that I bought in a fluster before going to a spa with @19syllables and @exposing40 at the beginning of the year. I don’t look ‘great’ in either. A short, chubby, big droopy boobed body does not look awesome in a costume, especially as I have an overhang belly. I started to feel myself turn thoughts in on myself about it all.

My youngest was the one who just assumed that as I was buying bikinis for her, I would buy for myself as well. When she mentioned this, I was a little incredulous and pointed out that she would be next to me, sat with me and associated with me while I wore a bikini. She just pointed out that she doesn’t care and I should wear one if I can find one.

When I look at all of the reality of bikinis and me, I know that it makes sense. When I buy a bikini, I can buy one that fits. I can buy it by cup size, which not only makes it look better, it feels better and I don’t get back pain.

My belly is fat, but guess what, hiding it in a swimming costume doesn’t magically change the size of it. People who hate to see people my size in a bikini are the same people who hate seeing us in swimming costumes. They think we should be covered up or stay away from beaches. I know that there will be some people who think that I shouldn’t be brazen enough to show my flesh, but as I will never fit their idea of acceptable, they can glare and tut all they want. I am going to wear a bikini on the beach.

It isn’t brave. I know that I will be hyper vigilant when we first get there. I know that I will be checking that people aren’t surreptitiously taking pics on their phones to mock me to friends or post online. It isn’t bravery or brazenness that means I’ll be there in a two piece, it’s the fact that I can, when I need to, disconnect from caring about others, and very much disconnect from dealing with negative feelings about myself. After the first couple of hours, I will just be me, sat with my youngest, enjoying the scenery. After all, I will be the one person who doesn’t have to see me.

I hope the people who read this are not the type who would judge me at the beach, but if you are, you don’t get to hate my flesh enough to make me hide it.

I guess, I’d better open this up and try it on.