HappyComeLucky

I’ve been thinking a lot about my body recently. Not so much about how it looks, more about how it works… or should I say doesn’t work.

I’m in a lot of pain at the moment. I have an appointment soon that will hopefully help but in the meantime, my body is angrily and insistently forcing me to take notice of it.

I have a lot of pain in my limbs. It’s really hard to pinpoint what is causing the pain because it overwhelms me. There is definitely some of it that is coming from my joints. Not only so they hurt, I am also losing some mobility in them.

My hips aren’t great and my right hip, in particular, does not flex outwards very much.

I took a picture of my legs spread to show my man and a couple of friends my new short-shorts. I was in a relatively comfy position and my hip moved enough.

Later, I was at the local Pride. For some of the time, as I needed to sit down, I sat on the grass. Or rather I tried to. I couldn’t make my hips, knees etc all work enough to sit comfortably and getting up was a joke – definitely not the epitome of elegance.

While I was dealing with the frustration of that, and thinking about the earlier picture, I suddenly remembered that someone who I used to send images to, often commented on how wide I spread my legs. The difference between now and then is stark. I have to judge if I can enjoy different positions by whether it is a good or bad day. I throw away ideas for Sinful Sunday images because I can’t physically manage the pose. I struggle with people seeing how much I can’t do because I fear that they will assume that it is weight and fitness related. On bad days, I can’t even curl into a ball to cry because my body won’t let me.

It’s weird to me that, in these days of pain and fear of what the diagnosis may be, I am struggling more with the bits that impact my sex life and my photo opportunities than I am with the other areas. Maybe these details are easier to recognise, manage and allow my emotions about than the much bigger unknowns. Maybe I am distracting myself but right now, I would cry with gratitude and joy of someone could magic me into being able to sit on the floor, back straight, soles of my feet pressed together and my legs open. The wands I have don’t deliver those types of miracles though. So, for now, I’m continuing to work through the pain, resist the temptation to Google all the options OK as that my symptoms could indicate and trying to take one aching step at a time.