HappyComeLucky

I’m floating high right now. Part of that is that I’ve just got home after spending some wonderful time with someone. Part of it is more than that though. I’m thriving. I am finding my way through what I want, what I need and what I want to try.

Last year was really tough. For a range of reasons, I was really shut down. I was hurting and, looking back, I can see that I was turned in on myself in a negative way. My view of myself was quite destructive. I tried to keep it to myself but I know it affected the way I interacted with others. I’m grateful to those who didn’t walk away from me during that time.

I can now see that on top if everything else, I was scared. What if this was it? What if everything from here onwards was going to feel like that? I didn’t really want to consider years of just scraping through each day like that.

I’m glad to say that things have changed. The last time that I was single, I was a teenager. It’s safe to say that my life is completely different to back then. Except that there are similarities. I had energy and a love for new experiences. I was poly (without knowing the word for it) in my teens. I stopped presenting as and behaving as poly when I settled down as it seemed that was what was expected. I realise how that squashing myself into an expectation that ignored part of me, squashed part of me.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t regret my marriage. I got far more out of it than I gave up. Being a mum is utterly and intrinsically part of me. It also gave me a stability that I definitely benefitted from for a significant number of years.

As I said before, right now, I am thriving. I’m able to follow my desires, trust my instincts and not feel slightly ashamed of my level of lust. I’m no longer afraid of being too much, or of being an annoyance, an inconvenience of a duty. I have confidence that if people are spending time with me, it’s because they want to.

I’m enjoying new experiences and discovering the different ways that I respond. I am absolutely loving that my world is full of possibilities, happiness and opportunities. The friendships that are filling my life are beyond my hopes. And the experiences that I am having fill me with joy as well as causing lots of happy after-purrs. I feel that at last, I am being authentically me.

I don’t know what the future will bring. I do know that whatever it is, I’m going to face it with the new energy that runs through me and the knowledge that being poly and open is vital for me.

My world is a wonderful world right now.