HappyComeLucky

Low maintenance. I think that I am low maintenance. I don’t ask for much. I’m resilient. I’m independent. I’m stupidly stubborn sometimes. I naturally and happily go out of my way to look after others. So, I sound low maintenance, don’t I?

Except, I am starting to wonder.

I went to a session at the weekend about active bottoming. It wasn’t about how to not get a numb bum while sitting on the floor. It was a lot about the communication needed to be an active bottom and make dynamics healthy. I agreed with most of what was said. Communication is key. Recognising that both (or more) participants have needs, expectations, limits, preferences and desires is vital in making it healthy. It works when your needs fit together. The feedback loop works when desires and expectations are clearly communicated.

So, what does that have to do with me and whether I am low maintenance. I’m wondering (maybe worrying) that I am too passive. I like being told what to do. I like the other person taking the lead. I like being told their plans. I get off on being available for their whims.

I’m struggling to find the right words to describe the flip side of that. It isn’t that I hate asking for things. It’s that it is ridiculously hard. It makes me physically squirm away from doing it. After the session, someone I see asked me what I got out of it. I made a joke about numb bums and that apparently Doms and tops are human beings and not kink vending machines. Then I said about communication and when I got to the bit about asking for things that I want, I had such a physical response that I hid in his arms for a hug. We both agree that aspect is a work in progress.

I can sit down and and logically define where some of my difficulties come from. I am also excellent at giving advice to others on strategies to use to overcome this. The fact is, that it’s is really hard and I get a freeze response when I try.

I have found things that help. Talking beforehand helps. Talking in general terms about unspecified dates/events also makes it easier for me. Things like, “One day I would like us to…” rather than “Please tie me and beat me today/tomorrow.” This makes it less high stakes for me and stops me over thinking it.

The other thing that I have found helps is to discuss it by text. That’s easy for me as most of my communications are by text at I don’t live with the people I play with. In text, I can put the words together and then manage to press send. It has that bit of distance that helps me not to freeze and the knowledge that the other person can take their time to consider their answer without being distracted by me trying to curl into invisibility.

I spent ages last night talking through all the things I had learnt as the weekend and how it excited me about ideas and options as we explore us. Again, That conversation was by text which helped me and I think was good for him too. I think I need to learn and make the effort to talk more not less.

So, am I low maintenance? Or am I so annoyingly passive that I am hard work. I don’t know and I suspect that I spend some time in both categories. I do know that I am a work in progress and that I am going to make more effort to talk – but it may be via text.