Content note for depression, anxiety and insecurity.
I am resilient, stubborn and fiercely independent. I also have serious depression and severe anxiety. I have trauma that I’ve dealt with but that has left scars on who I am and how my mind works when things aren’t OK. Unfortunately, it’s easy for the depression, anxiety, stress, hormones and exhaustion to combine to make me not OK.
When I am not OK, I can fall fast. It’s horrible, especially as my resilience doesn’t work. All my skills in addressing negative thoughts don’t work. Logic and reason or looking at the reality don’t work. As I spiral down, there are well worn levels and paths my mind follows.
The first level is manageable and is just about feeling a little insecure and not being able to tap into confidence and resilience. It’s easy to be busy and power through this. Sometimes that works.
After that it gets more complex. I’m going to talk about how it impacts me in terms of feelings about my physical self and my self-esteem.
As I spiral, it feels as though I get a clarity of self-image. The fact that it feels like clarity is really cruel because it’s not about how I feel in that moment, it’s also trying to bleed the positivity and confidence out of other times and not just that moment. I feel fat, unattractive and a joke. In these moments, my mind tells me that my posts and pictures are only responded to out of kindness and that there are people who pity, or think that I am brave* for posting. *brave in that condescending, it’s nice that she feels she should, aww she’s trying kind of way.
When I spiral, I need reassurance and affirmation. The cruellest part of my psyche is that I cannot ask for it. I’m really trying hard to work on this and have sometimes asked but it’s too hard. My cruel psyche sets the whole thing up so that if I ask, it’s ready to turn that against me. My mind is ready to deflect anything good with the fact that it isn’t genuine. My mind will convince me that people won’t give me the affirmation or that if they do, they are just being polite..
It’s a really horrible place to be when you’re trapped with your mind, desperately needing others and the trauma of your past has combined with your depression to make you not be able to reach out. I recognise that it’s the same things that make me avoid all sorts of things like inviting people to spend time with me, arranging for togethers etc because I can’t get past the certainty that I will be rejected.
I’ve been here enough times to know that these feelings will diminish. I know that I will keep going. I know that I will type messages asking for affirmation and delete then unsent. I know that I will push this spiral out of sight, set another hyper-vigilance watch on my own psyche to try and avoid the next time. I know that I will make myself take pictures to share because if I stop, then these feelings win and I have to believe that I am more than I currently feel and that I am better than I currently feel.
I will probably be quiet today because I am too aware of my every insecurity and the multiple facets of how I cannot measure up to anyone else to be worth much.
In all of this, I’m also angry. It’s so fucking unfair. I hate being this sort of needy. I hate not being resilient. I hate not being able to be the fierce independent person that I am. I hate that knowing I am loved and liked isn’t enough to silence this stuff.
You made me cry for two reasons. Firstly, you’re both beautiful and a lovely person to be around and I wish I could spend more time with you. Secondly, I could have written this myself. I’m needy and vulnerable and that makes me weak. I hate being that person and I’m too embarrassed to seek help.
I know this is a phrase that’s over used and doesn’t feel like it’s true but you really aren’t alone.
“In all of this, I’m also angry. It’s so fucking unfair. ” Oh I hear you so much with this. Fucking bullshit pain and hurt
Molly
I have just found you. In my humble opinion, you are a beautiful woman inside and out!
Well. You’re certainly beautiful in that photo.
The affirmation that I wish I could give about your body would be in the form of gentle kisses all over that lovely back. For a start. But that’s not possible from here, so I’m stuck with having to use words. And it’s not to “take pity on you”—it’s because that’s how I feel about it.
Every kind and thoughtful and sensitive person that I know seems to have some struggle with depression or anxiety or some other monster. I don’t know how to scare the monsters away, but I do know that they aren’t the truth, and I recognise their ugly faces as ones I’ve met too.
It’s OK to be needy. We’re human. We do need each other.
I hope this cloud passes soon for you. Take care.
Your last paragraph hit me right between the eyes, as those could’ve been my words. Where I am in no way going through the things you are, my mental health has been shaky in the past months, to the point where I am considering going back to the psych, but I keep on talking myself out of it. Everything was going just fine, and then suddenly it wasn’t, and I just can’t handle the simplest of setbacks. I distrust even the most well-meant words, and force myself to see the positive side. And yes, I am angry that I feel this way, and when I do, I hide from the world. Sending you all the love in the world, my friend, and I think we should both remember that it’s because we are strong women, that we get through this every time. And yes, I know how difficult it is to remember that when the black clouds threaten to consume you.
Love you!
Rebel xox
💐
I found myself getting teary reading this. It’s very familiar 😥 I hope that things are feeling better this week, and send you good wishes. I know it’s really difficult to shut out the negative thoughts – I wish I knew how to do it – but just wanted to say that you’re talented and beautiful, and so much more than what your mind tells you xx