HappyComeLucky

I have intended to write a post about some of my experiences as a parent of a trans adult for quite a while. I have often questioned myself as why I would be writing it. I have had a fear that by writing and sharing it, I’d be doing that horrid thing of making something about me instead of about the people who matter most in this. However, I believe I do have things to say that are worth hearing and understanding. I know from many conversations I have had both privately and professionally that conversations can make a difference.

I am going to be blunt and say that the reason that I am publishing this post now is in response to the horror of what has been happening on twitter. The attacks on Mx Nillin, other trans bloggers such as Quinn and Quenby and people who stand as their allies shows just how much vitriol is thrown publically at trans people who speak out and boldly occupy their space in the world. It’s shocking and we need to be aware that the public side of this is the tip of the iceberg compared to what is done out of sight. I cannot understand how anyone can be so hateful. The mindset of people who behave like that scares me.

That fear of the attitudes and behaviours of others is an ever present part of parenting a trans person. I am, and have always been incredibly proud of my enby for coming out and living authentically. They are a wonderful person and show and integrity that many could learn from. I cannot deny though that the fact that they are openly and visibly queer was something that gave me conflicted feelings. I had enough knowledge to know that it increases the chances of them being attacked whilst going about their life. That scares me. As a parent, I have two things that drive me. One is to love and nurture my offspring to be whatever is best for them. The second is to love and protect them fiercely. It was a challenge for me to subdue my over-protective instinct and to fully support my enby to present themself as they choose in public places. The thing that makes the difference is that my protection is based in love and not control. Making them conform to a presentation that actively harms their emotional well-being is dangerous and is guaranteed compared to the chance risk of attack. So, we talk about risks and how to be safety aware and they know that they have my complete support and encouragement.

Even as a parent who really pays attention, I only know part of the struggles of being trans. I know that my enby tries to avoid needing to go to the toilet when they are out because of the hostility and aggression they may face. I know that when we are out together, I scope out any gender neutral toilets that are available. I am the person who will send them an excited text if I find new gender neutral options in places that are useful to them. My proactivity in this is only a drop in the ocean and they are faced with even something as simple as going for a pee being a risky activity. The amount of thought and processing that has to go into weighing up the decisions about risk for every part of life s exhausting and draining for every trans person. I support where I can but I cannot take this away.

I can’t take away the stress of being trans in a non-inclusive world but I can do things that are not just protective. The other drive in my parenting is love and nurture. There are so many opportunities to nurture and to be a true ally. I’m going to highlight a few of the things that my enby has said have made a real difference to them.

First of all was properly listening to them. When they came out, I asked them to tell me what they meant by the terms that they used. I didn’t want to jump to any conclusions based on my understanding of the terms. Even with shared vocabulary, everyone has slightly different definitions and understanding of terms. I asked and I listened.

Next is to ensure that their control and ownership of their information and presentation remains 100% theirs. Some people, in their rush to be supportive, out their person to other family members. Don’t share the information with anyone without explicit permission. And when you have that permission, make sure it includes the when and how. On the same subject, don’t take over their story. Some people may want you to let people know, others may want you to support them in letting people know. Some may want you to wait until they let you know that they have done it for themselves. With my enby, we worked together. It was their words to other family members but I delivered them so that I was a buffer in case of any negative responses. In our planning, my enby and I had discussed how we would deal with any negative responses and what actions we would take. It was nerve wracking for me, especially when it came to the older generation but I am so glad that I was able to be there. It also meant that, with their permission, there were some people that I was able to tell in such a way that the next time they saw my enby, they switched to the new name and pronouns without my enby having to do the emotional work.

The emotional work demands of being trans in a cis-normative society is extensive. As a parent, I am still finding my way through the best ways to support with that and to step up without stepping on their space and autonomy. Not surprisingly, communication is vital. Coming out is never done and dusted. My enby came out over 6 years ago and yet still had another ongoing situation where they needed to come out to a group of colleagues a few weeks ago. It’s never a finished process. Even when these experiences, my enby needs a safe place to come home to and to be able to let the anxiety go and their fight or flight preparedness to subside again.

Another action that my enby tells me made and continues to make a big difference to them is in gifts. Myself and their siblings take delight in hunting out t-shirts, hoodies, pin badges, mugs, coasters, socks etc etc that have trans statements on them. The gifts of clothes made the biggest impact because it was a very clear non-verbal reinforcement of how much we accept them and we are supportive of them being their authentic self as loud and as proud as they want to. When they wear those clothes out with us, they know that we are encouraging them and standing with them with pride and delight. It’s also been a delightful way to expand the circle of active rather than passive acceptance of them in aspects of their life. The slogan t-shirts are great conversation starters. They are also a brilliant way to find other trans people and allies when out and about.

There are daily challenges for my enby. A constant cascade of events and experiences that reinforce how cis-normative society is and how much they have to choose between demanding the most basic level of respect and accommodation or taking being forced into compliance with things that actively harm their well-being again. I’m glad when got the times that I am there such as when they were buying a new computer and needed to give their registration details. The salesperson realised that they weren’t sure about my enby’s gender which is a result but insisted on making them choose male or female because of the system. As I was there, I was able to step in and purchase and register it in my name whilst making it clear that we were doing that because their system made it impossible for my enby to give their details as both of the available options would be untrue. My enby experienced trans-joy (term borrowed from Quenby) because of my actions in that shop. On that day, I learnt that standing up for them on that circumstance brought them more than when I had helped them get their binder and signposted them to good places to get packers from. Actions and words speak louder than things!

This post is getting long do I am going to bring it to a conclusion. The message that I want to get across is that to be an ally, you need to do more than just letting people exist. You need to be active and pro-active in your allyship whilst keeping the needs, experiences, autonomy and voice of the trans person or people at the heart of it. I will never stop feeling fear about the impact transphobic people can have on my enbys’s life and the life of others. I will never stop encouraging my enby and others to live their authentic lives and I will never stop making sure that I take actions to make the world a more inclusive place.

I am happy to discuss this post or answer questions. I have edited it down and could have added so much more. If you read this, I hope you take away from it how much being trans is so much more than just asking people to respect your pronouns. We can all do better and we can all use our individual privileges to make the world better.

I’m finishing this with an image of one of my enby’s favourite t-shirts.

Please remember that this is the thoughts and experiences of one parent. I am lucky that I am professionally involved in inclusion and making the world a better place. I want to be clear that I regularly fuck up. When I do, I appreciate being notified so I can do better.

Here are some links to posts by others in how to be an ally.

Zebra Rose’s Cis ally’s guide to not being transphobic

Quenby’s 10 ways to be a good trans ally.