HappyComeLucky

“So many things to unlearn”

The Other Me

Content note: contains references to abuse.

That quote from The Other Me is a powerful one. We all have things that we have learnt over time that aren’t good for us. In my professional context, we often describe them as safety behaviours. They are behaviours that appear to make life secure or safe. They seem to avoid, danger, stress or conflict. Spoiler alert: they cause problems rather than solve them.

I was abused as a child. I developed safety behaviours to try to reduce the amount that it happened, to avoid being in situations that it happened. My safety behaviours grew during childhood and adolescence. My use of them spread until they became the way I thought and responded to situations and people.

I kept myself ‘safe’ by being vigilent of people’s moods and responses. I had no concept really of who I was and I definitely wasn’t able to recognise my strengths. I never thought that I was good enough. I still don’t know how much of that came from being abused and how much came from other factors. I do know that living with such a big secret that you’re scared of people discovering makes it impossible to thrive.

All of this and probably a big dose of luck of the draw, meant that I never believed I was good enough. I couldn’t come up with valid reasons why anyone would like me. I became good at being almost invisible in lots of situations. I became good at noticing what people appeared to appreciate about me even though I didn’t believe that they really appreciated it.

I was scared that people would one day realise just how rubbish I was and I was scared of what would happen when they did. I put endless energy into trying to match what I thought they wanted from me. Whenever they were upset, or even just out if sorts, I would try to fix it by doing ‘better’, by doing more.

The insecurity of living like that is destructive. Every time I ran out of resilience, I would turn that destruction on myself in ways that I would never dream of doing to anyone else. It was always my fault in my head because it was me that wasn’t good enough and they had just been having to put up with me.

Now that I am past that behaviour, I know that it wasn’t all my fault. And, I know that they could have done things to help me. I know that I appeared self sufficient and so they thought that I didn’t need much from them. And I know that I never asked them for the feedback that could have made a difference. But, I am hurt that they never offered affirmations about who I was. They didn’t celebrate my successes or give me encouragement or even seem excited or pleased to see me. I have asked them since and they say that they didn’t think that I wanted it needed them. I did but not realising gave them an easy life.

I’m not like that anymore. I do know who I am. It’s been a long and hard path to get to where I am now. And I have had many setbacks on the way. I had to unlearn all my go-to ways of interacting with people and of building relationships.

As well as learning to believe that people might genuinely want to be with me, I have also had to learn that it is OK to just be me. I don’t have to try and work out what they want and match it. I don’t have to try and work out what response they want and match that. If they aren’t happy, I can care, but it isn’t my job to fix it and it definitely isn’t my job to change me to fix it.

Even a year ago, I would not have written that. It would have sounded horrible to me. I was still unlearning it all then and still took too much responsibility for making myself just right and not too much for others.

Now, rather than feel that any problem of unhappiness is my fault, I know that it isn’t. I reflect on my behaviour and make changes that are appropriate but I am me. I am no longer afraid that, any time that I am disappointing or don’t fix things for someone, they will suddenly realise that I am a waste of space.

Now, I know that if anyone realises anything, it will be that I am very strongly me with all my chaos, passion, determination, empathy and love. I don’t try to be what I think they need because I know that if people choose to spend time with me, it is because they want to spend time with me.

The positivity of unlearning all of this is that my life is much richer and filled with really awesome people. The other thing is, now that I can see the positives about me, I also recognise the strengths and positives of others and also what I adore about them. As I am someone who is almost impossible to keep quiet, I make sure that I tell people too. If you get an affirmation from me, I hope that you let it into your heart because it is absolutely true. We all have to continue to work on believing affirmations and compliments. Keep checking yourself and unlearn deflecting those compliments.

Check out the other posts on Quote Quest this week.