HappyComeLucky

“Imagination is the only weapon in the war against reality.”

The Cheshire Cat

You probably know that I don’t get to spend very much time with lovers even in ‘normal’ times. Each in person experience is rare and that makes them needed and valued. It also means that there is an absolute drive to get the most out of them, to maximise the opportunity and to forge the connections that have to sustain for the extended periods until the next time.

Those times with lovers are so important that my eyes are pricking with tears just thinking about how much I miss them. I crave that connection as well as all the other things. During this year, and even before, there has been a glut of articles about how to do long distance right. There has been a plethora of how to guides and a lot of them have made me feel absolutely shit.

My life is complex and I do not have the privacy to have lots of phone calls, face times etc. Even if I did, I don’t think my lovers are the sort to build that into their lives and, as they don’t ask to chat like that (except one occasionally), I don’t like being a demand or a burden.

So my relationship with them has become WhatsApp based. It’s hard. The chances of both sides being able to sustain more than a few messages is rare. And I know that it makes it hard for me to always open up. Again, that is linked to me not wanting to be an inconvenience.

So, what do I do. On all, except my worst days, I take pictures and share filth with them. Most days, I slide that into the beginning of their day – normally with a cheeky comment to help it on its way. After that, days tend to carry on with the normal churn of chores and demands. Occasional touching base or sharing things as the hours turn.

Taking those images to share is great for my imagination and creativity and also makes me keep in touch with my body. Firing up my imagination and creativity definitely helps in the war against my reality. And my reality is pretty damn hard.

The trouble with the war between imagination and reality is that sometimes it’s hard to know if I am fighting on the right side. My reality is that I have chronic depression and anxiety and that without affirmations or evidence of being wanted, I will default to believing that I am put up with. I ‘know’ this isn’t true but its so exhausting fighting those feelings again and again through this barren desert of shared anything.

This post is called “The Power of a Request,” because like any good person who always tries to use the strategies taught to them in therapy, I’ve been trying to analyse what might help. I can’t fix the world. Even when rules allow contact, I don’t know how much they want to see me and I don’t even have a pencilled in date to aim my hopes at. And this is where we come to the heart of my difficulty.

I make requests. I tell people that I want to see them. I tell them the filthy things that I want to do with them as well as the not so filthy things. I ask if we are getting closer to making plans. I ask for things and over time, I ask less and less.

I’ve noticed that I have stopped asking them to send me pictures. Not because I don’t want to see them (I utterly do as I utterly lust after them), but because I don’t want to be a pest.

Sometimes I pause before sending them pictures, having to convince myself that it will be welcome. I often let them know I have a video if they would like it, rather than being able to assume that it is wanted.

For me, believing that I am actively wanted and desired rather than something less than that feels like a very far stretch of imagination. And as time goes on, that stretch feels longer and longer.

I could fill pages explaining why I am so shit at this but I’ll just explain that having a childhood and a marriage where I was constantly shown that any time and space I took up in need or want in others people’s lives was an indication that I was a problem and that I was a difficult burden. Despite a huge amount of work, I can’t undo that conditioning.

So what can I do? I should explain to my partners how much I need them to be the ones to sometimes make those requests. It doesn’t matter what those requests are for. It could be for pictures, for a chat, for an opinion on the vaguest pencilled in plan. It could be almost anything. I just know that the power of any request is that it is what I need to be able to believe in me.

When I was a child, I was absolutely sure that if I could just cease to exist, the world would be better for those who were forced to put up with me. I know that isn’t true but it take more than logic to win this fight. I need to know that others want things from me. That in meeting those requests, I add positively to their lives. In doing that, my life is filled with a glow.