HappyComeLucky

“Photography is a way of feeling, of touching, of loving. What you have caught on film is captured forever… it remembers little things, long after you have forgotten everything.” 

Aaron Siskind

I have had three, maybe four different ideas for this post and as it is your lucky day, they are all here.

Firstly, I want to share with you why there are different elements to this. To me, when I am thinking about photography and especially photography that is about people.

There is a type that I am utterly rubbish at, one that I am okish with, one that I am learning and one that although rare, I totally nail.

I’m going to start with the one that I am okish with. A large number of the pictures on this blog fall into this category. They are the images that capture an idea, a flirtation or a desire. The images work. They are fun to take. I work on inspiration and instinct, rather than planning and skill. They often capture a spontaneous idea.

I know that I could raise my game through being more organised. By planning ahead. And by working on camera techniques with enough time to work towards better images. However, my mind works best with some impulsive creativity for this part of my photography so a huge number of them will remain opportunist captures of a spontaneous idea using my camera on a timer and about a four minute deadline before privacy disappears.

Then we come onto the area of photos where I am learning. I am now the proud owner of a DSLR which makes me very happy and very scared. Fortunately, my favourite sadist knows his stuff when it comes to photography, is incredibly patient and knows how I would hide from learning to use my camera. He has been exactly what I have needed as he has set me tasks and homework. Maybe soon, I’ll start to trust that I do know what I am doing and maybe start making using that camera a natural part of my week.

Now it is time for me to make a confession. In many ways, it is really disappointing that there is an area of photography that I am rubbish at. I certainly wish I was better at it for my own benefit as well as for others.

I love the few images that I have that have been taken in the midst of action with lovers. They some of the most powerful images in the emotional and physiological response that they elicit in me. It isn’t only that they take me back to the heat of the experience captured, its that they add another rich layer to it.

It’s through those images that I have realised just how powerful and sexual I am. They have increased my confidence in a whole new way by allowing me to be a voyeur of myself. I have always loved being a voyeur and love seeing images and clips that people share with me of what they are doing, but never really imagined that ones including me would be hot.

I always knew that I get a lot of pleasure in sex and that the things that I do feel really really good to the other person but it was another area where I had a disconnect with my visual self. It’s been a wild ride to find out just how hot those images are and the effect that they have on me and on others. Now, I just need to learn to remember to take them. That’s the but that I am rubbish at. Too in the moment to grab a camera. I have given myself a talking to and I am going to plan ahead to make sure that there is the option for that.

Now we come on to the area where I have declared that I nail it. These are the emotionally, mentally and sometimes physically challenging images. I have one of these ready to share soon and I am having to struggle to be patient and keep it for the right time.

These are the images that society, art, self image, body negativity and insecurities have made very clear are not for people like me. I’m talking about the images where the lines and forms are so well understood that you have to be slim to join in. I could list a myriad of examples here and amongst them, there is some truth that my body is not going to produce the same lines that mirror the elegant line of a bowed branch of a tree, or catch the light and shadows on flesh to show the sculpture of the neck and clavicle. But there are also ones that are so steeped in a scripted definition of permissible beauty that there is the message to stay away.

I have taken those bold images that don’t hide. I’ve shown my body in ways that we have been taught that nobody wants to see. I’ve not only challenged myself in taking elegant, truthful images. I have also broken all of the rules by showing all of the curves.

I am a rebel and if there is a rule, especially ones that seem to be about me not having permission to join in, I will always notice and decide whether I need to subvert, break or totally destroy that rule. The image that I am bursting to share with you came from exactly one of those moments of finding an unspoken rule.

Several tweeters tag people in retweets with suggestions to recreate this. I occasionally get tagged in group ones because of previous group photo adventures. I am never tagged in photos of an individual with an encouragement to recreate this. The reasons for this are never going to be totally simplistic but a huge element is that people do not imagine me in those beautiful poses or settings. Or, even if they might eventually think that maybe I could, there are a multitude of others who are the images in their heads of the right person. I have been thinking about this because I noticed that my reaction to seeing those tweets had moved from interest and a smile to feeling hurt and excluded. I know why my response tipped but that isn’t the point just now. Of course there have been times that I have been tempted to express my feelings about this but that would be wrong. I definitely don’t want people to police what they express because of me appearing stroppy. And, anyway, if I did complain, I would be an utter hypocritical as I often see pictures and think that I would be in heaven to be able to recreate them but they would look awful with me and I would need a body transplant first.

So what did this rebel do? I banned myself from excluding myself from photo ideas. It’s not easy but I can be very strict when I need to. After a while, it has started to stick. I am making sure that I don’t use other people being prompted as a weapon against myself and have just been more chill.

It’s paid off. I saw an image that drew me in. She is the exact opposite body type to me and that’s just the way it is. But the image, the pose, and the beauty, are mesmerising. I took the risk. I gave myself permission to hate or laugh at the outcome as well as (and this is harder because it is far more vulnerable) to love it. I had an opportunity where there was just enough space and I went for it.

I still don’t have words for the power of the image and the effect it has had. I have shared it with a couple of people because I was so blown away and so proud that I needed someone to see. I am so glad I did because there responses made sure that I have no chance of doubting myself and convincing myself that it is only me that thinks it is good.

Unfortunately for you lot, I have just been so mean. After whetting your appetites to see the image, it is not going to be included in this post but you will see it soon.

As compensation, enjoy this fucking beautiful image of me which is another one that society says is not allowed.