My life at the moment is full of certain sorts of change. It is making me feel a little lost. For most of my adult life, I have had a clear sense of my identity. I wouldn’t have described it as earth shatteringly exciting but it had a core that made sense to me.
For twenty six years, my main reason to exist has been as a parent. My identity has been as someone who nurtures children, plans and organises life for them and shares experiences and adventures with them. Add onto that the other main part of my identity as a very hard working professional (for over 30 years) who put in very long days and time working at home as well. The job also included a lot of nurture and although demanding a lot, also enriched me by making a real difference.
Now, my children are at different stages of adulthood or, entering adulthood and they organise their own lives and lead their own experiences and adventures. My role as a parent has changed. It’s still vital but it doesn’t fill my time in the way that it used to. Sometimes I feel lost, especially in those blocks of time that it was my joy to fill.
As for work, for multitude of reasons, including coping with menopause symptoms, I have reduced from full time to part time. Suddenly, work is not leaking into all parts of my life and I can keep it under control. It is taking a lot of getting used to – it is bliss not to always have the demands hanging over my every moment, making me have to choose between it and living a life. Now, I am someone who has a different identity with respect to the place of work in my life.
All of that feels a lot. I know others maybe reading it and thinking how self indulgent I am to immerse myself in these thoughts instead of getting on with it all. All I can say is that, I totally understand the feelings of loss and change that generations of women have experienced at this life stage. I am luckier than they were because I have more choices rather than they did.
In addition to all of this, I have something new to explore and to understand as a part of my identity. After experiencing depression and other mental health symptoms for all of my life, I have, with the help of the doctor been exploring and investigating why the depression treatments have not worked well for me. I have laid myself bare and vulnerable at each stage of the escalating referrals. And, now I am working on coming to terms with the fact that I have bipolar disorder. The diagnosis is simultaneously liberating, reassuring and scary. I have a new path to tread of changing meds and monitoring results. It is likely to be a bit bumpy for a while.
Right now, all the sensible and logical thoughts in the world don’t help to change the fact that I have no idea who I will be when my moods are stabilised and I discover my new identity. I don’t know whether my bursts of energy, creativity and fun will remain or whether I will become a beige-souled, forgettable someone.
Who will I be? I don’t know. I’m feeling lost and I am hanging onto hope that I will find my way.
I too am very familiar with some of these challenges and you have my full sympathy and empathy. I can absolutely see how being properly diagnosed is at once wonderful and frightening but I am confident that your light will only shine brighter once you are relieved of some of the battles you have been fighting for years. Signing off with the middle-aged-woman’s secret handshake, which involves a shimmy, a bum bump, a whoop and a cuddle. xxx
All I know is – you’ll still be someone I want to know better. And I’ll waiting to see who that is
I hope that you can survive all the problems and become the best version of yourself.