Content warning for mental health, suicidal thoughts and struggles.
I wrote about being diagnosed as bipolar earlier this year. The diagnosis felt like such a relief. I could finally understand what was wrong with me and I had hope that things could get better.
And things did get better. For the first time since I was a very young child, I found out that it was possible to go to bed without desperately needing to not wake up the next day. It wasn’t that I was suicidal, although there have been times that I have been, it was that I was utterly desperate to not be alive anymore. I have had well over 40 years of feeling that. The relief of realising that the desperation of that feeling wasn’t there anymore was immeasurable.
However, there is that saying that there is no such thing as a free lunch. The other side to having bipolar is the manic phases when I have untamable energy and massive amounts of creativity. Those phases are terrifying too. It starts as a buzz and then tips into out of control. It can feel like driving down the twisting switch backs of a mountain road in a car with no brakes and an accelerator that is stuck down. I have a constant battle not to make stupid decisions during those phases. But, it is the time where I buzz with energy, confidence and creativity. People who know me well know that I get an idea and scuttle off to make something to add to our fun.
I’m currently struggling. The lithium is working. I have only had two very short episodes of feeling suicidal and, for the most part, my mood is much more even. I’m no longer on a roller coaster. But, I have lost my highs. In stabilising my mood, it has taken away not only the mania, but with it, my confidence, my buzz, my creative impulses and my energy. I’m stubborn enough to keep going but this is incredibly hard. I’m lost and I feel a sad left over shell of who I was before. I’m struggling to make friends with this dim and dull version of me. The things I value are gone.
I’m not going to come off the lithium because I need it. But I do sometimes wish I could have myself back for a little while. I feel like I am having to grieve for the me from before and try to accept the dull new me.