Is it hate? Am I a fraud?

I have an uncomfortable thought that sits about 3/4 of the way back in my mind. It is far enough back for me to ignore it a lot of the time but not all the time. When I do hear it, it isn’t kind. It normally makes itself heard when I am talking to others about body confidence and body positivity.

I am body positive. I have a type of body confidence. I hope that both people who know me from this blog and people who know me in real life would agree with that statement.

There is a but though. It isn’t the sort of butt that I normally share pictures of. The voice in my head relentlessly points out that I am fat and I don’t like being fat. It dances with sneering satisfaction every time someone gives me one of those fat based compliments. The nasty little voice likes to point out that I must be a fake because I do not like to emotionally admit to how fat I am.

I have had conversations with people who have pointed to my pictures as proof that my body looks good. Of course, I could enjoy the compliment but sometimes I can’t. Sometimes each compliment makes me feel more of a fraud. I tend to be so hyper aware of how much careful choice of angles, cropping and use of accessories it takes to look ok.

Meeting people who have until that point only known me online is scary. Each time I expect a look of surprise and dismay and a complaint that I am not as advertised. No-one has said that but it doesn’t stop me thinking it.

So, my questions to myself are; does this make me a fraud when I say I am body positive and does it mean that I hate the reality of my body?

I know that if anyone else asked me those questions, I would instantly reply that body positivity does not exclude sometimes disliking your body. Body positivity does not instantly supply you with rose-tinted glasses that automatically catch you at your best angle and in your best light all of the time. Body positivity is about learning that we are ok. It isn’t about pretending that we are perfect. To me, body positivity is about not hiding until we think we fit, until we have no more hang-ups and until we think we are non-controversial in our beauty. To me, body positivity does not exclude having parts of my body that are challenging to me. For me, a huge element of body positivity is not letting judgements, including my own, about my physical form define who I am, who I am allowed to be and what I am allowed to enjoy.

I am not a fake. I do not hate my body but these were the most difficult pictures for me to take and share. In editing them, I have looked with a different eye. Instead of seeing proof of failing by becoming fat, today I am seeing my own strength and visibility by sharing them.

These pictures aren’t sexy to me and they don’t have my normal level of sass and cheek. They are me, stripped bare, vulnerable and exposed and still strong.

image

Standing

image

Seated

Sinful Sunday

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60 Comments

  1. They are sexy as fuck, and awesome. Than you so very much for posting them. We sometimes struggle with being positive about our own bodies too.

  2. Well hello Miss Gorgeous,

    Well done for posting these, being brave and confident are sexy qualities, we love the cheek, we adore the sass, but we admire you. You’re no fraud, Keep being you xx

  3. People get congratulated for conforming to more or less arbitrary ideals, as though such conformity were proof of some kind of accomplishment or the individuals’ inherent value. And those who don’t conform are shamed.

    Your personal beliefs conflict with what you’ve learned from society about what is an “acceptable” appearance and how that’s reflected in your self-image. That dichotomy doesn’t make you a fraud – it makes you self-aware and in a process of personal growth.

    I salute your strength, honesty and vulnerability.

  4. You are all things beautiful and sassy and I love every inch of you. Fraud? You? No! You, my dear, are one of the most real people I know. Never change, never ever change, because you are perfect.

    xoxoxoxox

  5. You are beautiful and perfect and as extraordinary as they come. Full stop. The end. Xxxxxx

  6. Honey? you are beautiful and the real deal…xxx

  7. It’s taken me a while to work out how to comment on this as it’s such a brave and honest post, so I’ll simply say this – you aren’t a fraud, you’re beautiful! This is a wonderful post, thank you for sharing it. Xxx

  8. Thanks for this post – and I love the comments.

  9. You are gorgeous! Those lovely soft curves must feel amazing to touch. Celebrate yourself babe.
    Beautiful photos.

  10. twiggs at hundred acres

    You’re braver than most people I have never met, you are no fraud but as one of the commentators said, it shows self awareness and an emotional intelligence few have.
    I constantly worry about being a disappointment when people meet me. I know people are being polite- abt personality and figure. it’s easier to be bouncing and sparky on line than over a real coffee.
    I aspire to body positivity in the corporeal and cerebral senses and one day maybe I will get there. posts like yours help.

  11. Brave and strong and *not* a fraud! Bravo!! I too am guilty of the same thoughts at times.

    ~Kazi xxx

  12. Cheers to you! Vulnerability in itself can be sexy. And your pics are all that and more.

  13. This must be one of the strongest, one of the most beautiful posts I have come across in all of my blogging career. You are definitely not a fraud, yet I recognize those feelings and thoughts. I too am body positive, accepting myself as I am but I too have my doubts about my body and whether I am a fraud. I, however, do not have the guts like you to post a full frontal picture.

    Honey, you are beautiful. You are strong. You are sassy. You are sexy. You are you!

    And I know all of these things because I had the wonderful privilege to meet you, to hug you and to spend some lovely moments with you! <3

    Rebel xox

  14. Vulnerable, strong and sexy!
    It’s taken me years to get to the level of acceptance of my own body I’m at now. There are still days I hate it, most days I hate at least one part of it. But I’ve grow to accept it and love it. A big part of that has been seeing real people, just like me, sharing their photos. And giving me the courage and support to share my own photos online. Maybe soon I’ll be able to post the ones that I think are less than OK.

  15. I am not quite sure what to add here that has not already been said. You are most definitely not a fraud, if you are, then so am I. I will happily admit to taking pictures that please me, do they show all my wrinkles, bumps, saggy tummy, rarely, but that I don’t think that makes me a fraud. I think celebrating the things about our bodies that make us happy is a wonderful thing and no one should have that taken from just because they don’t feel like sharing some of the bits that are less pleasing to them.

    Mollyxxx

  16. Like I said yesterday on Twitter, I am so proud of you! You are beautiful and you are a role model and I love that you’re my friend. Xxxx

  17. I think these images are incredibly erotic – especially the second one.
    Fraud? No! Gosh – this post is one of the most body positive I’ve seen – and your last few words are perfect.
    x

  18. I think you are positively lovely . . . and your words and photos combined are just wonderfully strong and beautiful!!!
    Xxx – K

  19. You know your body, you are not in denial. That is more than half the battle. If I were to use one word it would be Rubenesque. My description. Looking forward to following you on your journey.

  20. You are definitely not a fraud. I am careful of angles and I crop as well. But you are beautiful and very strong.

  21. No, I don’t think you’re a fraud at all. There is a difference between being body positive and loving every bit of your own body. Whilst I see nothing but beauty in your images and bravery to post images that push your boundaries, I know there’s bits of me that I avoid appearing in my posts!

  22. I applaud you for being so strong. You are most definitely not a fraud because if you are than I am as well. You are beautiful and your confidence shows in your images. Acceptance is an amazing thing.

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  24. You are so beautiful, Honey. Thank you for posting this. I also struggle with this, with posting the parts of myself I like least, but posting seems to help. We are all in this together and some day I hope we will all be able to love all parts of ourselves as much as we love all parts of each other. xoxo

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