I am trying to not write this post. I am finding all the reasons why I shouldn’t and yet, here I am with the words flowing from my fingers to the screen. I don’t think I will publicise it, so it will only be those who stumble over this that find it.
I am not OK.
That simple sentence feels like such a hard thing to write and an even harder one to say.
My stock answers when things are challenging are:
“I’m not great but I am OK.”
“I’m exhausted but I am OK.”
“A bit wobbly at the moment but I’ll be OK.”
“I’ve got too much to do but I’m OK.”
“Attack of the hormones at the mo, but apart from that, I’m OK.”
But, they aren’t true right now.
I am not OK.
Not being OK has grown and grown. I have had a rough year and a half with bereavement, stress and mental health challenges. I keep looking for that hint of a horizon beyond it. A major stressor has just come to an end recently and I took a breath and hoped for…
I don’t even know what I hoped for but certainly a period of calm in the mess that I am.
That hasn’t happened.
I am not OK.
My hormones are up the creek. Last month, I had a 20 day period and after a week of respite, I am on day seven of bleeding again. I haven’t been diagnosed formally but I fit the criteria for PMDD and now I don’t get recovery time.
I am not OK.
I am a positive person. Definitely a fierce survivor with a belief in my invincibility and a deep knowledge that I can always dip into my well of resilience to get me through. Except, the well isn’t refilling. It feels as though the bucket.is scraping the bottom and coming up with sludge.
I am not OK.
I have spent a year and a bit desperately looking forward to the buzz of this weekend just gone. I love seeing people, talking to them, enjoying the delights of the weekend and buzzing with the energy of Eroticon.
I was not OK in the week running up to Eroticon. I struggled with wanting to be alive. I struggled with meeting the demands of my life. My mental health for the week meant that I struggled not to just cease to exist.
I did the things. I got a new dress to give me a boost at the meet and greet. I knew my man would be with me all weekend. I was so excited to catch up with people and to meet new people. I had been craving meeting people who are so engaging online.
I am not OK.
I powered through the deep need to hide and not go. I buzzed around the meet and greet totally conscious that I was struggling to go and say hi to people I know, let alone introduce myself to new friends. I suspect over the weekend that I have damaged some friendships by not being able to engage properly or even to properly say hello. I don’t have what I need to be able to rectify that.
I am not OK.
During the day, I found myself overloaded with how much it took out of me. I feel as my soul is a sandtimer and everything was trickling away. I had to take time out. I couldn’t engage with people in the way that I wanted. I’m so upset with myself and being too ill to power past that and love the weekend.
I am not OK.
One of the best things that I did was persuading my man that he did not need to leave straight away with me as the conference closed. I know he flourished and delighted in the socialising once I was gone. I’m glad he listened and let me go. I’m glad I was able to do that.
I am not OK.
I am scared. I am scared because I am one of the people that always pull it out of the hat, who can always make it when needed. This time I couldn’t. I am scared because if I couldn’t for this, then I don’t know how to get through anymore. I am scared.
I am not OK…
and I don’t know if I will be.
Right now, I just want to cease to be.
It’s the old cliche of “it’s OK to not be OK”. A platitude but true no less.
For what it’s worth, I think you did amazingly well just getting there. Every year for the past 5/5 years, I have said that this will be the year that I finally just say “Fuck it!”, pull my socks up, put on my brave face and go. Every year, same result, I log out of twitter for several days so I don’t have to read the tweets that remind me of my failure.
Our MH issues are a constant battle, so allow yourself the little victories of just getting yourself there. Those who know you and care will understand why you were acting as you were, and if they don’t understand, then they aren’t worth getting upset over.
Congratulate yourself for what you did achieve and try not to overly berate yourself for not doing all that you would have wished to do.
Be kinder to yourself.
KW
It is, as KW says, OK to not be OK.
I like you – and Himself – a lot. I am sorry you are feeling like this, and wish I could help.
I wish you well, as always.
Oh Honey.
Cliche:I want to hug you. To make things better for you.
You did very well this weekend despite not being okay but I know saying that doesn’t help. Friends will understand. You did your best. Friends see that. I really wish there was a way I could help you. I really do. Please take care of you. Love you!
Rebel xox
Oh Honey, my heart is hurting for you right now. You are so beautiful, in every way. I agree with KW, it’s a huge step that you even made it out to Eroticon. Try to speak to yourself as if you were talking to a friend. I know that’s easier said than done.
I am sending all the good vibes across the ocean in hope that you will be able to get the help you need, whatever form that may take. You are loved and valued, my friend. Take care of yourself and all for help when you can. xoxoxo
We only chatted ever so briefly but it was lovely to meet you. I havent been on here very long but I have admired your writing from the very start. Having read this post I am so humbled by your ability to write while in so much agony. I am so glad you made it to Eroticon. CP xx
it is ok to be not ok
something i have been dealing with as well for over a year
it is what it is and this season shall passs to just isn’t as fast as we need it to be
hang in there
Admitting you aren’t ok is so hard and I’m sorry you’re having to deal with that, I understand how that feels.
Well done for getting through the weekend though, it’s a full on experience at the best of times let alone when the world is a struggle. I’m really pleased to have finally met you.
Take it one step at a time, please be kind to yourself.
It take’s a strong person to say i am not OK . Please find some professional help . We all love you so much and are thinking of you 💗
When the well is empty it is empty and no amount of positivity will make it not be so. It was lovely to see you last weekend. I am sending love for a sustained recovery of your joie de vivre which will come In spite of how it feels now xx
Hey. This is powerful and intensely moving. ✊