HappyComeLucky

“An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind…”

Mahatma Gandhi

Sometimes it feels as though most of my life involves persuading people to take this quote to heart. Every week, I see people being hurt and injured by the retaliation of others. Mostly it is verbal retaliation, but I do see the physical too.

It’s easy to understand why people want to lash out and hit back when they are hurt. It’s a primal instinct to try to drive the threat away. However, like a lot of primal instincts, it is not helpful to always respond this way in modern society.

Writing this post today feels very well timed as I have just spent a session coaching colleagues on how to respond to things that they perceive as attacking without escalating the situation, and without being a pushover either. It’s a skill that many could do with developing.

It is easy to see how people lash out in arguments. In those times the lines between the opposing sides are clearly defined. The trouble with squaring up to someone is that they only way it can go is a painful stalemate, it one participant being overcome. It’s so different from a discussion or a debate where diverging views have the opportunity to move towards converging and moving along together.

A few weeks ago, I had a reminder that it isn’t only in arguments that we have the instinct to protect ourselves by driving the other person away. A new relationship that I had hopes for was involved. I had known for nearly two weeks that things were not OK and I had been trying to keep that pain carefully ringfenced and attributed to other things to keep hope alive.

When the conversation happened, it wasn’t a surprise. I had known that it was going to go that way. This person is a very important friend to me and even though I was prepared for the answer, it still hurt.

I was quite taken aback by the sudden surge of wanting to snarl and say something that would make them go away. Something that would make them feel hurt too. It was that primal protective instinct kicking in. That need to drive the source of the pain away.

I am so glad that is recognised that urge and did not give in to it. Yes, I was spiky and I indulged in seeing the negative side of my life, BUT I did not throw any hurt at the other person. They hadn’t behaved badly. Some things are just not meant to be. Sometimes the planets just aren’t  aligned the way I would like.

If I had given into that impulse, I would have hurt someone that I care about. I would have damaged a friendship which is still important to me and that I am glad to say has weathered the foray into seeing if there was more there. If I had given in, I would have been someone who I don’t like and I would have been acting out of spite.

I’m not perfect but I have got really good at checking my impulses – sometimes I may over police them – but that’s a different thing. I really wish that, as people, we came more equipped to do that instead of giving in to the primal urge to drive others away. If everyone paused and checked where the emotional driver for their response was coming from and what they wanted the outcome to be, life would have better communication and a lot less conflict.

There is a lot of wisdom in the old advice to stop and count to ten. Just make sure that you’re using that pause to check in with whether you are about to instinctively react or thoughtfully respond.