HappyComeLucky

“I feel the need to endanger myself every so often.”

Tim Daly

I’m not a risk taker in most parts of my life. I’m a coward about the steepness of hills that I will cycle down out of fear of not being able to stop. I don’t like jumping off things, even very low things.  I’m the person who wants to be sure that all the equipment is safe before I’ll decide whether to give it a go. And even if it is OK, I am excellent at avoiding things.

And yet, the quote above is absolutely me. I love and seek out the feeling of fear. When it has been a long time since I have had an experience, I start becoming aware of a slow growing need. It starts as a murmur, whispering into my mind when I’m aroused. It grows and grows in strength making my fantasies darker and more extreme until I desperately crave something that will hit the spot.

When I was a child, I loved roller coasters, zip wires and anything that gave that fast, out of control sensation. I also liked to disappear – I’d go to where I might get lost. Places where if I took a wrong turning, I might not know where I was. I’d walk into woods without really planning to come back out. I adored that feeling of not really knowing whether I would find my way back. Luckily for me , and probably to the relief of my parents, I had a good sense of direction and never successfully got lost.

Fear is an interesting and unpredictable kink to manage. Finding the right fear to play with can be tricky. I don’t get off on being terrified. I get off on facing the fear of things that make me instinctively say ‘oh no. Things that I immediately want to take one step back from.

The idea of being trapped in a small space or totally encased in something is an idea that immediately spikes my fear. My mind and body surges with the chemicals as I prepare for flight or fight to escape it. It is that surge that I need and the bit that comes next that males me crave fear.

The very first chance that I had to see a vacbed, I was trembling when I went in the room. Vacbeds were on my limits list and it was with the intention of feeding that uncomfortable feeling that I went to look.

Less than ten minutes later, I was in a vacbed, making myself breathe. No-one talked me into it. I put myself into an experience that scared me. And I loved it.

Whether it is the vacbed, knife play or one of the other things that trigger my fear, I now know why I crave it so much. My reactions and senses are so highly primed for fight or flight, that my experience of the sensations is very intense. The mindset and headspace that I have to get into to override my fight or flight response is subspace adjacent and can lead me into that zone in a very rich way.

I don’t want to be scared every time, but sometimes, and with someone that I trust to scare me, I desperately need those experiences that I don’t know if I will be able to take. I need to to teeter on the edge of fleeing or submitting and to have to find that part of me that can take the thrill.